Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
