You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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