My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
