the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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