Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
