i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
