I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
