My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
