just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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