News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
