you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
