They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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