you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
