hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
