You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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