u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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