I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
there is glitter all over my balls
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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