She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize