i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
