You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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