i already hear my dad disowning me
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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