Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize