He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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