saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
