I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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