So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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