y did u give ur computer a hand job?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
