How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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