I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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