i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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