I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
