I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
