my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize