Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
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