He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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