rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
