3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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