is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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