3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize