In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
