She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
