I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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