I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
