You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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