I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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