The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Life is so much better after having sex.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
