The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i believe in u and ur pee
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
