so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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