yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
