just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
