I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
