shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
