apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize