you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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