Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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