I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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