yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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