Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize