alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
