I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Randomize
