I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize