mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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