I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
