You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize