some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
