Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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