Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
