You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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