just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
