Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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