I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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