how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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