She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
