I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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