Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
