my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
